As I look in the mirror, I’m not sure who I see anymore, am I the woman that was so strong a year ago, thinking that everything I put my hand on or wanted would come so easy? Am I the scared battered woman of 10 years ago, afraid to walk out my front door? So afraid that someone would see me for the weak individual that I had allowed myself to become, I want to pray, but afraid to, because prayers are never answered, and its only in fairytales that wishes come true.
Who am I? Why am I so afraid? Have I just put myself in a prison of my own making? One where I have the only key? I’m standing here just looking at myself; I’m turning from side to side. HMMMM
I’m looking at the extra pounds that came with the years, the rounded belly from child birth, and so many years of not exercising, from the years that I told myself that it didn’t matter what I looked like because no one was watching me anyway, the big legs, the medium brown skin, the slightly slanted eyes, but where is her smile??? She used to love to laugh, but all she seems to do is cry lately, which is that stranger in the mirror? Where did she come from??? Why is she so unhappy? What happened to that oh so confident black woman that has been mother and father to her children for so long?
Well I can tell you where she is, standing in front of a mirror, tired, a little beaten up by the world, but still standing. All 5’1 inches of her, standing tall, ready to go back into battle with the world, to bring up well adjusted children in a world that is so crazy, to make men and women out of these children that she loves to much.
As I look in the mirror I am upset with myself for not becoming the woman I’ve always wanted to be, the strong black woman like my mother and grandmother before me. I wonder to myself, were they as afraid as I am and did they have some of the same insecurities that I do? CRY!!!!! I tell myself, just let all of the anger; fear, hurt, and insecurity go. CRY!!!!! Like a river just let it flow and wash your soul clean from all this pain you’re feeling, stop holding it inside, feel free to let it be known, the hurt that you feel inside, why is that so hard for you to do? CRY!!!!!!! CRY!!!!!!!! And allow yourself to release this knot that has grown inside you like a poison eating at your soul, and then exhale and breathe again, relax, take a breath, hmmm, its just morning and you have the rest of the day and your whole life ahead of you to, LIVE… |
